who am i kidding?

I've been pretending all this while, pretend to be okay, pretend to be happy and all those shit. Being at my lowest, i did not realize, always so angry so sad crying every night i wonder, why? I even want to hurt myself, I've fallen. Again.

Keep on thinking what's my problem. Yea, been stress with all this nonsense aunty trying to bring me down. Like Fuck you all!

And I think my main problem is Jealousy, I hate to bring this up. I'm jealous with you, you, and you. You are having so much fun and I'm just sitting here like oh. I'm missing you too, cried every night, prayed every night for your safety and your happiness, crying now.blahh blahh blahh. I tried to avoid you so I won't get in your way. Since you had him of cos I'm jealous. I had to share you, I know this time would eventually come and maybe one day I even have to let you go, but I just keep denying everything and pretend, oh my god I'm so selfish. And I thought you don't feel me anymore. Is this the power of friendship? I can't really describe my feelings now it's all jumble up like rojak.

I'm writing nonsense because I can't think straight now and I'm not very good with words.

Today i cried donkey times at work. Manage to hide my tears with fake smiles to Nini but she keep asking me what's wrong, I just said I'm kinda tired and sleepy, my heart is numb. I don't even know what to do, don't even know how to reply to your text. I feel like a doll now, soulless. HeartacheJealousy has eaten everything.

I still love you, don't worry. :)